Friday, November 11, 2011

The Song Within My Body; An Ode to My Breasts & Life

My whole life has been a vast amount of experiences and conditions transmuted into wisdom.  Why should this particular moment in time be any different... or small for that matter.

It may have appeared as if I was going thru yesterday alone, but it was so far from that.  My world became more alive than anything I had ever noticed before.  Just when you think you notice a lot... there is so much more we miss, until we don't.

Back in September I qualified for a free mammogram screening.  I went just because I could afford free!  I was so shocked when 2 weeks later they sent me a letter that said, we seen something we need to look at again.  I stared at the letter blankly just saying... really??  really?

And my thoughts went back to my preparations to leave New Mexico and journey to Virginia.  There is a feeling that runs thru me when my body or my life has something to say.  I cannot put "that" feeling into words, I just know it when I feel it.

I had a conversation with a lady about her ill-health even tho she has this perfect diet, and exercise.... and stuff.  I have long ago let that one go for me.  I know the body breaks down because of the imbalance within the energy field, the emotions within the energy field.  When I stated I was in total health... I had that feeling.  But I couldn't place it.

When I went to buy the cooler for my journey back I had a choice of two, blue or pink.  The pink was sassy and exciting, I bought that one.  Once I took it home I realized it was a breast cancer cooler.  Had I known that, I wouldn't have bought it... I don't need to carry breast cancer around with me.  Yet... when I had seen the ribbon thingie on the side of the cooler... I had that feeling again.

I did both body scans, emotional scans... talked, sand, did everything I could think of to have my body say what, if anything was the matter.  But it indeed was holding out on me.

My whole seems to be a living example of what not to do, and then what to do to set it straight.  Let me tell you, last night, in the light of the moon and the ocean... I tossed that book of life into the sea!  But, my spirit wants me to share this story, this final chapter in my old life.

The only reason I came back to Virginia is because my son wanted me to.  No other real reason.  I have lived my entire life for my son, even tho I have three children, he was my first, my boy, my Love.  Anytime he pulled on the tit of my life, I gave him all I had to give, even at my own sacrifice.  Instantly and without regret.

Although it broke my heart to leave New Mexico, my friends and wonderful clientele there, I am also like the leaf on the tree, I willing go where the winds of my life blow.

Within 2 weeks of being back in Virginia I was so ready to go back to New Mexico.  I started to prepare to leave... and then we talked.  Of course, words of guilt came thru him to me, my grandson and all... blah blah blah... ok I stay. Dammit.

Nothing was effortless coming back to Virginia.  Quite the opposite, it was pretty damn difficult in every aspect.  I knew I choose wrong.  Or better said, inaccurately for me.  But also, I needed to see this part of me up close and personally.  I would have never ever seen it any other way.

So I suppose I wasn't completely surprised when my mammogram showed a growth on my breast.  Breast is nurturing  loving, caring, giving the food of life to those in need of the nourishment you have within.  Funny how we, a parent, will give to our children first... even our fully grown children who have working breasts of their own.  Who's responsibility is now to share back their own food of life to others.

The more I sat within that house and observed (since not much else was working out anyway) the more I started to see what was really happening.  His girlfriend, whom I love so much because she is so the me I started out to be in this world... and no doubt she had been my child in many a lifetime because I felt as motherly to her as my any of my own children.

I started to notice she has an IV hooded in directly to her from the combined energy of the house.  She put no energy of her own out and feed of of energy thing else within the house.

I gotta go... By September everything in me wasn't playing any longer.  I could feel my running shoes on and I need to go.  But damn that talking.  Funny how communication is really so important, at also the most detrimental thing we have/do.  I so remember my master guide, the one who has been with me all this life and his name is Ramus.  His teaching to me has always been action speaks louder than words.  But I wasn't listening to my own guidance yet.  I was still listening to what others expected of me, wanted of me, how horrible I am to even want to leave... ohhh guilt pies were stacking high.

I retreated to my bedroom.  I came down only to potty, get coffee, eat and hug my grandson.  I rented a 60 inch hi def TV that was my view outside of my 4 walls (can I tell you.. I LOVED that TV!!!)

I sat staring at that letter telling me I could have cancer in my breasts and thought... shit!  DeNial is a beautiful river that I do enjoy a few laps in now and again.  My breasts obviously don't enjoy it so much!

When I called to book the follow up appointment, of course they asked how I was going to pay for it.  I don't know??  I don't have insurance, and my bank account serves my day to day needs, not much beyond that.  The breast place I had gone to said they put in several calls to my DR without any reply.  I called the program that gave me the gift of this free breast exam... and I wanted to know the results.  Which breast?  What did it look like?  Are we talking a pea or a plum?  Silence.  No one ever called me back.  I let it go.  I am not a big fan of worry.  I convinced myself since no one is getting me rescheduled, it isn't anything to worry about.  Funny how we humans are.

When that "feeling" ran thru me again in October that said... ya gotta get out of this environment, I didn't hesitate any longer.  After all, my grandson just broke his clavical the day before.  I had a meditation that just showed me not so good stuff happening (I just figured I had weeks or months to act, not 2 freakin hours.)

I settled into the most wonderful... nurturing, nourishing environment the universe could provide.  A really nice ocean front hotel that off season is the bomb.  For $203 a week (notice that 5 vibration there... change) I get a fully furnished place to live.  Not only that, they come in twice a week to change my sheets, clean and vacuum, restock my toilet paper, soap, shampoo and conditioner, and are even willing to give me coffee every day.  I have truly been taken into the bosom of life.. and it is good!!  No... It is GOD!!!

Being immersed in such a wonderful life, aligned with so many new players in my field of Living... I forgot about my breasts, or should I say, the shadow side of my breast.  Completely forgot.  Until November 1st. I got three back to back calls saying they have the money and need me to come in for the follow up.  All were left on my answering machine since I was working.

Ohhh yeah, well from the shear amount of reschedules this crazy energy weather we are having has given me, just about ever single day on my calendar was booked out thru the 17th... except 1 days was completely open, which I thought was strange.  The 10th. I booked it... an 11:40 appointment they said I had to be at by 11:20.  Ahhh the numbers of my life!

They did tell me it was my left breast... now talk about shocked!  I was sure it was my right one... my emotional side.  My spiritual side.  But nope it was left.  Thank God!  Life is so easy to change... had it been my right, I would have to question everything once again.  Even these things I know as true.  But left, my physical life... easy.  My breasts and I had long loving talks with each other.  I didn't ask the question of... are you cancer... that would have been a fear question and I wasn't afraid at all.  I wanted to put right whatever I was out of balance with.  The way I nurture aspects of my physical life.  I suppose, that part of me that is Ramus didn't wait around to get cancer, we changed without needing a shotgun fully loaded.  My breasts and my spiritual team, that is really me anyway... showed me the last remaining threads of imbalance in my life.  I cried for days.  Releasing.

I finally asked the question about 2 days before my follow up exam... do we have cancer.  A light shot thru my left breast and I knew... if I did, I don't now.  I know I had changed.  I know I had withdrew my own IV tap into a family I felt obligated to feed with all of me.

When I awoke on the 10th I was in an interesting space within myself.  So excited to have climbed the ladder of November to here and also knowing, in this day, in this moment of time, there was nothing more I could do to alter the results of the ultrasound (if it was needed, and it was.).  I felt anxiety.  My spirit took me back to a place in my childhood and told me to stay there.  Be there, playing in the rain.  Let that be my only focus thru this day.  The rain turned into Light.  I got to see the landscape of life.  Of my Life and the colors... the love.  Of every You who hugs me thru the silence of your computer screen.  I knew my life was rich, vibrant and alive.

The song Landslide by Stevie Nicks once again playing in my ears... hearing only the lyric of changing seasons in my life.

This time they showed me what my mammogram looked like.  The breast tissue, that tiny little thing about the size of a pea sitting in one of the milk ducts... I looked at it and said to it... you are just so tiny.  Like I just got to see what my long lost friend looked like for the first time.

They sent me to do an ultrasound to see if this was a solid mass or a liquid one.  Liquid is a cyst, that is what we wanted to see.  I felt my whole life surrounded by so many colors.  So many energies there with me as she gave me the news it is a cyst that is filled with fluid.  The walls of the cyst are really thick and there appear to be veins within the (cluster) of cysts.  I watched every movement on the screen.  Every detail that was my breast and my sac of fluid.  Ahhhh the emotions we hide within ourselves.  Indeed I do have a very thich skin. I can run my own lifeblood thru what hurts me.  But that was yesterday.

It was funny to watch the degrading hope that transpired.  The ultrasound lady said she wasn't worried about it.  I was right there with her... water/fluid... I can move!!  Transmute within me!!

The nurse came in, she was a bit more worried... the walls were unusually thick.  Ummm hello... so am I!!! (smile)  Best thing to do, is completely drain it.  Why not, I am good with that.  I will do my own draining as well.

The DR, indeed worried.  Could have cancer cells in it, or pre-cancer cells.  Could be something coming from the ovaries.  Hey... I had a pap... it was clear.  No worries, just action.

Of course now they have to find the money to provide this biopsy drainage thing.  It didn't matter, I was relieved.  I get this message so clearly.

My day came so alive for me.  More alive than I had ever ever experienced it before.  I went and got a symbolic car wash.  Cleaning my car inside and out, cleaning my movement thru life inside and out.  I went to go do laundry, gotta clean my clothes too.  I am leaving nothing of this moment behind.

Because this exam was in Newport News, I was actually close to where I used to live and knew there was a Laundromat nearby.  I couldn't find it, but right there at Eastwood in the sky something that just shocked me.  A cluster of clouds that looked EXACTLY like my breast tissue... in the center of this string of breast tissue cloud energy was a skull and cross bones.  No lie.  I about shit.  I actually just stopped looking for the Laundromat and drove back to Virginia Beach (an hours drive).

We do not realize how much love can be the death of us.  I do.  Now.

The moment my new shiney car crossed into Virginia Beach the skies opened up and it was pouring.  I am still deeply engrossed in my breasts and skull and cross bones in the sky image and not looking for spiritual messages... well... not too much anyway.  I bitched about the rain.  I just washed my freakin car!  The beach has salt in its rain.  Man!!

As I grummbled to myself still pondering the message in the clouds and my breast spirit made me laugh so freakin hard... I was shown a hand constantly pulling on my left breast.  Bless the cows.  Taking and taking and taking... and of course, I give and give and give.  It was the physical constant pull of my love that created the cyst... my breasts song to me.  I laughed so hard to myself... and remembered the time I reunited with my (now ex) husband.  We had filed for divorce, he went his way, I went mine... and reunited after the lonely holidays.  Not because we realized we were still madly in love... because it is how we lived our life for 9 years.  It is soooo easy to miss the dysfunction disguised as something good.

Several months after my husband and I moved back into together again, my period stopped, my breasts hurt and started leaking fluid.  I went into a panic.  In that moment... in that terror filled moment of being pregnant I knew I had no desire to be with this man.  I called my OB-GYN sobbing... and told her, if I am pregnant I want to abort.  Now.  I wasn't pregnant and my breasts were still leaking.  The DR at the mammogram place said I was fine, the re-absorption process just stopped working for me.  I started to find my way completely out of that marriage.

And so my breasts sing a song to me again.  This time by remembering the rain of life.  The water.  The fuildness of life.  When I stopped to do my laundry, I looked at a facebook message from a man who talked about the storm clouds in his area.  I completely forgot I just wrote about the rain.  I instantly seen the ultrasound picture of my cyst... it was a storm cloud!  How did I not see that before (because you are the energy my eyes read

I smiled as I thought about the rain barreling down as I crossed into VA beach and the clouds of my life who never let me down.

I went onto Lightworkers and read about storms and clouds and dreams... and left fully and utterly empowered from it all.

I came home refreshed, empowered, more alive than I had been in all my years. I took a walk on the beach.  I had one final thing to do before I ended this book of my life.

The winds rolled in from the south moving everything in it's wake.  The sky itself was so black from the storm clouds above, yet deep on the horizon over the ocean there was light.  I knew that was where the full moon was hiding.  I knew that was where I was heading.  Into the complete unknown, but known of my life.

I watched with awe how the sand moves rapidly along the shore, in movement with the winds.  There was a crazy, wild, loving dance happening around my ankles.  Everything was moving.  The ocean did it's best to lap onto my ankles, making me dance in rhythm with it.  The grains of sands chancing each other to their new landscape... creating the new landscape in their furry.  The clouds parted for a precious moment.  I stopped walking and bore witness to the full moon.  I breathed it in and breathed me back to it.

I and I became so self aware... so utterly SELF aware.

I surrendered my entire life in that moment.  My life to here, so fully, so filled that I have nothing more to want in all this creation.  What a perfect night and perfect setting to die.  And I watched as that part of me fell down into the pounding surf... lifeless... errie to watch yourself be trashed around in the waves on the ocean's edge. Funny to think how effortless it is to die and Live all in the same moment.

I paid homage to the Lisa that brought me to here.  Too all the players and events that led to this (seemingly) singular moment in time.  As I walked back up to my room there were rose petals all over the steps leading to the third floor.  Deep red, pink and maroon rose petals.  In my readings, that is the highest, richest vibration of  love on all the earth.

I Am Home in my New Lightscape of Life!

Lisa Gawlas

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